On approval

You don’t need anyone to approve of you.

She emphatically said to me in her calm, raspy voice while staring me dead in my frantic eyes. She picked up on the fact that I’d been struggling. She needn’t spend more than a few afternoons over tea with me to register my fear. “Have you ever actually seen your fear?” she continued. My jaw was on the floor.

In her 81 years of life, she’s been around the block a time or ten, and the assuredness and wisdom that only age and hardship can afford seeps from her every word. She spoke of her days frequenting the Albert Ellis Institute in Manhattan, and learning how to harness the dialogue unfolding in her life to reduce if not expunge her fear. She said to part ways with the ‘shoulds.’ She said it would take time. That we can’t turn the boat completely around mid-current. It would take practice. “You don’t need anyone to approve of you.”

I sat with her words and after weeks of introspection came to the following, a script of sorts, to revisit when I begin believing that the human condition and the lives we lead should be any other way than they are.

Nothing is wrong with you. You keep fantasizing about all the issues and making mountains out of everything you feel and experience because you have no tolerance for discomfort. You rely on other people to accept you, affirm you, and make you feel like you’re enough. If you fulfill all the criteria of a manageable mood, a prestigious job, an enviable marriage, a healthy body, impeccable coping skills and neat even days with no unknowns, then everything will be as you feel it should. Everything will be as you feel it must.

But the world isn’t waiting for you to thrive. Its inhabitants aren’t here to solve your problems. And until you have faith in yourself, and give yourself the approval you are desperately waiting for someone or something else to give you, you will always come up short. No amount of money, scoops of ice cream, promotions, or criticism free days will ever be enough to numb your dis-ease until you decide I approve of me, as I am. Every single part.

Every good thing. Every doubt. Every loathsome emotion. Every intrusive thought. Every poor excuse and bad behavior. Every misstep. Every embarrassment. Every shame ridden sentiment. Every sideways glance from someone you care entirely too much about. Every time you divulged too much. Every embarrassingly long social media spiral. Every argument. Every debilitating low mood. Every strand of your DNA. Every component of your mental disorder. Every bill left to pay. Every cluttered corner. Every messy room. And ribbon of cellulite. And gray hair. And eye brow untweezed. And dysfunctional family encounter. And drunken outburst. And argument. And misspoken word. And longing. And comparison you assigned too much weight to. And topic that steals your mind and heart away from the glorious albeit imperfect present.

I realize now that I have thought all along that getting approval was the goal and reassurance from others would keep me safe but being on the other side of a need for approval is where the freedom lies. You don’t need anyone to approve of you.

Commuter: Year 1

It’s been a minute since last I put on my writing hat while packed into a three-seater on NJ transit or huddled in a corner of Hoboken terminal. My work being heavily digital has gifted me some degree of carpal tunnel and sometimes the thought of clenching my phone a minute longer to write something is enough to deter me from the practice. But so much happens in these minutes, hours spent contained in a metal tube, devoid of service, surrounded by people and on occasion still feeling alone.

Today marks one year for me as a commuter. I refer to other people as tourists whereas I myself was a tourist in this gigantic city system a year ago. I get lost far less often, I can transfer trains, I can help a straggler on the corner and I walk quickly enough to appear to an onlooker like I know where I am heading. While commuting isn’t as romantic as it had been the first spring months I began work, it still entrusts me with forced quality time with myself and for that I am always grateful. 

And yet every day, a new experience en route to and from my job, another anomaly of the train uncovered. I lost my mother-in-law at 6 pm on a work night a few weeks back. I had been planning to get drinks with friends and was plucked from this carefree space and transported to one of fear and sorrow. I deliriously trekked to the PATH and sobbed on the train, anchored against the window. I tilted towards the corner to hide my face from view but noone noticed me. Not one soul. I’m not sure if this is good or bad? Perhaps both.

I recall in my writing from about three months ago that I felt as if I was losing my tenderness canvassing the city space. I’m more impatient than I once was. I have trouble unplugging as I feel a sense of urgency to be available. I rarely allot myself the time to be unproductive and feel endless yearning for a moment of calm all the while feeling excited and invigorated to have found work that is stimulating and exciting. When I hit the tunnel and service goes out I am outraged. I refresh the phone as if something will change and magically cell service will cut through water and concrete. Alas, I have to be comfortable sitting with myself and my thoughts for however long that spread of track is. Maybe connectivity is so desired because it prevents me from being in my brain all alone. My college roommate used to tell me that. Try not to reside alone in your head too too long. It can be a scary and vulnerable place.

I still wonder what it would be like to be an adult without immediate access. What would I do on the train in lieu of checking emails or scrolling? Even my reading is interrupted by a buzz or a ring. When I have kids I want to teach them the power of boredom. The joy of being uninfluenced by the forces of popular culture that tell you what needs fixing or who you should aspire to. The allure of disconnecting and daydreaming, without an intended destination. I pray amidst the constant onslaught of information and pressure they will know snippets of a childhood like I had with rollerblades, scraped knees, and conversations happening face to face. I pray I myself get back to this place too. For now, setting my devices aside and gazing out the window at the same landscape will be my solace. 

How Social Media Mimics Intrusive Thinking

Social media has become engrained in the fabric of our culture and the way people interact, express themselves, and consume information. As a Community Manager, being immersed in social media is critically important to my job but sometimes detrimental to my sense of worth and peace. I am disheartened by the comparisons that inadvertently emerge as I tap and scroll, tap and scroll. 

As a child of the digital age and a person with Pure Obsessional OCD, I have observed abundant overlap between these two identities. Social media feeds are dictated by algorithms. Take Instagram for example: a Search tab so generously populates your feed with images and videos that might be of interest to you based on your behavior online. This is exactly how intrusive thoughts work. I have a thought that is ego dystonic, scares me and sets me off down the rabbit hole of mental compulsions in a futile attempt to disprove that thought. By seeking to avoid said intrusive thoughts, you guessed it, we affirm them. “What we resist, persists,” a counselor once told me. And what would have been diluted by simple acceptance, is amplified by the friction our brains set into motion. The same thing happens on Facebook and Instagram. I compare my relationship to the ever repetitive rhetoric of #CoupleGoals, tapping and reading, tapping and linking to yet another related piece of content. My Search tab is then inundated with images of perfectly tan, tone couples. Same goes for body image, professional success, activism, pie making abilities- you name it. Their (insert insecurity) must be more valid than mine, as they receive more engagement. It seems as if they are more worthy. I too portray aspirational parts of my life and work, but am troubled by the unrealistic expectation perpetuated.  When I fixate on perfection, then my need for it continues. The sense of urgency remains because I keep sounding the alarm and affirming that it is important. Conundrums scream, “pay attention to me,” and although it negatively impacts my life, I pay attention.

I consistently battle with these themes thereby guaranteeing they remain top of mind. If only I had the perspective to put down my weapons and coexist with the discomfort. If only I had enough confidence in myself, and my intrinsic worth as a person not to compare myself to the carefully curated version of another person. Not to feed into the trap of obsessional thinking. To combat the frenzy, I’ve set up some parameters for social media use.  I designate specific times of day to log on for work, not when I first wake up, and not when I lay down for the evening. I want my bed and that time to be a place of gratitude, not comparison. Same goes for uncontrollable worry. I set certain periods to utter my fears and intrusions out loud, when no one is around, and I force myself to sit with them. I cannot try to disprove them and they eventually lose their weight.

In real life, if a conversation isn’t going anywhere you stop talking and part ways.  On the internet there is no concrete out as the information is always available, and the behavior is tracked via algorithms outside of our awareness. When your OCD brain latches onto an irreconcilable fear, you can’t excuse yourself, you just endure it and the suffering continues. My goal will always be to reside peacefully in my skin and circumstances, to realize the fallacies at play in my mind, and reconcile with them; the cycle is not readily overcome though. Since I cannot separate from my disorderly brain, I can always log out of the Instagram app for a brief hiatus. Maybe they are one in the same. 

Felt Food

The artist, Lucy Sparrow, behind her register.

Toys are the first friends you can choose for yourself. Your siblings and pets are already affixed in the family dynamic upon your arrival, but a trip down the toy aisle is your chance.  I took a stroll through the Meatpacking District and into an art activation out of my childhood dreams, a New York City bodega housing  9,000 items hand-made of felt by Lucy Sparrow.  The exhibit at The Standard, High Line, titled 8 'till late, houses  everything from cigarettes, women's hygiene and Heinz ketchup to a slop bucket, frozen food section, and a soft pretzel carousel. A butcher counter with dangling meats, mix tapes, and handles of Campari: literally every detail down to the cash register and the ATM sign is accounted for. It is thoughtful, in every way.

As a kid I had an affinity for cash registers actually. From a Pink Barbie one that scanned tags, I matured into an actual register my mom got from Staples. In it I kept dollar bills and coins I accumulated from selling animals made out of beads and painted rocks at the town pool. At one point I had a Cabbage Patch Doll that swallowed plastic celery and pretzel sticks, which was captured in her backpack so that the process could continue, the hum of the mechanical swallowing still fresh in my mind. She was taken off the market because she ate one too many mouthfuls of children's hair. I had short hair, and I loved her. 

As my eyes darted around the bodega I was filled with childhood nostalgia around the rituals we cherished.  Campbell's tomato soup with white rice and grilled cheese on snowy days was one of my favorites.  Today some scoff at packaged foods, but I ate my fair share of them and I was a happy camper. If my sister and I were especially behaved we were allowed to eat Swanson meals, that came partitioned in a little microwaveable tray. I was always bewildered how the tiny brownie cooked to perfection in its designated section, in no time at all. I loved those brownies. Chips Deluxe too. 

Back in the bodega, all of the felt creations are for sale. The cashier rattles off to us the items that flew off the shelves already- Wonder Bread, Spam, Brillo Pads, and Peanut butter. A simple people we are. Wonder bread and peanut butter. I picked up a pack of Tic tacs for myself, a reminder of another ritual from my high school days. For whatever reason, I had a difficult time residing in the present, but rather anxiously worried about the future. My beloved guidance counselor would buy me packages of Tic Tacs as a reminder to pop the cap and take a breath when anxiety threatened my peace. 

My mother tells me I carried around a wicker basket filled with soaps in the shape of nursery rhyme characters. They had personalities and I spoke to them. When I didn't give them adequate face time, guilt washed over me. Eventually they were replaced by an American girl doll I named Sarah. To be young and worry about such things again.  Art and play are critical; my afternoon at the bodega reaquainted me with both. 

Commuter: The Weekender

There are different vibes on the weekend trains. Everything feels more celebratory. Chatter of children is heard, fans are donning their team's memorabilia and out of towners are counting the number of stops before they embark on a city adventure. I can identify with them because I am still nervous on new routes I haven't frequented enough.

I smell Taylor ham, egg and cheese. Let me tell you, New York City is missing out on pork roll. I asked for Taylor on my bagel at Ashby's and the cook had no idea what I was talking about, but the woman behind me let out an audible sigh that she wishes they had it too. She was a Jersey girl. I'm saying it here, Taylor Ham would change the bagel game in New York. 

Devices have substantially changed the way we  travel, the way we live.  We have a podcast plugged in our ears,  a puzzle in our hands, alerts from CNN as they happen. If not for my new found affinity for writing on the train I would enact a no phone policy and just gaze out the window or at other people even. The train is a privilege not afforded to all and I want to relish the experience. 

I peek over at a young family with a sweet child, a mammoth camera and fruit smoothies all around. With the onslaught of the wellness movement is Juicy Juice no longer a thing? During my childhood, it came in a can. A half gallon sized can that you had to pierce with a bottle opener on both sides in order to pour. I really liked Juicy Juice, and the taste of Dimetapp too but that got recalled. Oops. We had fewer answers when I was a kid and we survived. Even fewer answers the years before that, and they survived too.

I've lost the look of someone who doesn't know where they are going. I helped tourists identify that the Freedom Tower and Central Park are not next to one another.  I felt something like pride when that happened. 

Commuting is like other hierarchies. When we are new at something, we reside in a vulnerable space. Unless we have unfaltering self confidence like Molly Brown, but even those people are vulnerable in new situations. It's human nature. Then we accumulate experience and assume the role of the senior, the veteran, the sage. If we are mindful, we retain the feeling of being the unknowing and hold on to awareness of the pain that comes with it. We treat the new person in a vulnerable position with dignity and respect. I penned a letter during a troubling time right out of college where I was quite lost in the work world. I called it "Read this when you are no longer entry level." And when someone is blubbering in the station, looking for the right platform, I'll surely help them, but only if I'm not lost myself.  No guarantees.