I took my personal Instagram account off my phone about a month or so ago in the midst of so many unthinkable happenings. It began to feel like consuming grief and outrage as readily as Cheerios and milk…on the news, in our palms, in our ears, so very loud.
In these moments of upheaval, we rush to assert a stance, identifying who to hate and to blame, versus who to rally behind and associate with…who to excommunicate from our lives and vow never to speak to again. I wanted to sit with myself and my thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable, so I stayed logged out and tuned out, within reason, and played with toys and sang songs and tried to cherish the glimmers that make it so special to be alive.
With the volume lowered, I made room for silence. On the morning I turned 36 the baby went shopping with his dad and came home with a bouquet of flowers, a Bluey banner and the vacuum I've been asking for. Between the cats and this busy little man it's the dust bowl around here and I could not be happier to have such an ordinary but useful item at my disposal.
I made challah with Jewish friends, mostly grandmothers, for the new year. I've always been welcomed whole heartedly, even as a Gentile, at Friendship Circle and I'll forever be grateful to them for the care and grace they showed JJ in our darkest moments.
We made the simple, extraordinary. The car isn’t exempt from crumbs and glee so we went to the car wash on repeat with the steady hum and smell of soap. Those two minutes in neutral in the dark are wildly cathartic. We made mud kitchens, slipped down slides, explored pretend fairy woods, and buried sensory stones.
We savored Daniela's gazpacho and Raya’s ice cream cake, treats from the farmers market and new bakeries, and leaned into our toxic trait of grabbing an iced latte every time we left the house. The cats feasted on a solitary potato that the baby lovingly prepared for them and tried to snag a Jellycat or two.
We discovered the Descendants and watched them all, and each sing along too. Pro tip: sing What’s My Name and sub in “mama” for Uma. It’s very empowering and fun! We also stumbled on performances of beloved musicals at the Hollywood Bowl and put faces to cartoon voices. And: A Whole New Sound! Imagine Warped Tour meets Disney heroes.
We had really impactful and loud arguments that were clarifying, shining a light on shadowy corners that have been neglected for too long. We are grateful for the candles and voice notes from an earth angel in Galway.
Stray cats came “home” again and we received free landscaping from hungry deer with a hankering for crab apples.
I do not want to be ignorant or avoidant, but resolve and courage begin with small actions at home, in our communities and among our neighbors. We will do our best to teach the children to love and include, and to value the sanctity of life. But sometimes sheep stray from their flock, so we will also entrust God with guiding their steps and pray for lighthouses in the bleakest of places.
The irony of reporting back on Instagram how it feels to be logged off of Instagram is not lost on me, but as a child of this era I'll leave a few of my digital crumbs here or it didn’t happen.
